Fine Print

This little pouch was a gift, and I would have used it years ago had I known there was a four-panel, fully -illustrated, comprehensive instructional brochure waiting inside. With a phone number in Tokyo for further information in case I get hopelessly muddled. All this time I’ve been so intimidated with nagging questions – how do the pockets work, what is the purpose of the mesh divider, which way do I pull the zippers, can I eat the Silica Gel-- and so forth.

As the manufacturer says, “Please take a moment to read this for proper enjoyment of the product.” I certainly don’t want to improperly enjoy the product, not when we’ve just met anyway, so let’s fasten the safety goggles and be on our way.

This may look like a cheap little cloth thingy to you, but that just shows how much you know. Let me introduce you to the Nomad Cosmetic Case. "The material is 2mm thick urethane layer between two pieces of tear resistant, Rip-Stop Nylon.” We’re talking serious portable cosmetic conveyance tool here, scientifically calibrated.

“The shape and placement of the pockets were designed with your frequency of use and protection in mind.” As in, don’t mess with me brother, I’m packing.

“There are pockets designed to fit certain types of cosmetics perfectly, but we’ve also included open space for what is unique to you.” Yes, we women take our translucent powder seriously, but we have a playful side, too. The manufacturers realize we need space of our own, a place to explore and express our creativity.

“We paid particular attention to the size and position of the fasteners and handles for easy access.” But it’s also secure, right boys?

But then the warnings. Like those commercials, where some aged frat brothers on a yacht yuck it up because there’s finally a pill that lets them fuck all night. But, the voiceover softly cautions, there’s an equal chance they might end up spending the rest of the trip in the emergency ward, waving one long , and perhaps notable (individual results may vary), side-effect.

Similarly, I should not use my Nomad in the company of “water, alcohol, dirt, heat, and careless treatment.” And, more ominously, “Do not use this product for other than the intended use.” Hmm, I wonder if nefarious intent could turn that two-ounce pouch into a steamer trunk.