Speak Albert

I have an ethical and philosophical problem with certain commands, such as Come, Stay, and Sit. But I don't expect there's a better supermodel in the whole world.

They say, "Smile Albert," and I smile.



They say, "Give us the look, Albert," and I give them "the look."



"Lick your lips, Albert."



Yes, I'm a happy boy. But I have an inner life, too. Sometimes I think deep thoughts. Like, how can I get those tiny horses out of the TV. And, why can't I eat cat shit if nobody else wants it. And, why don't we spend the rest of our lives just playing tennis ball. And, why can't I take something out of the trash since you were just throwing it away anyhow.



And, how come, after all this time, you're still trying to get me to heel. Can't you understand, it's not going to happen. Not ever, not once. You could save yourself a lot of grief if you'd just learn this one simple lesson.