Unplugged

Things are falling apart around here now that I have no television. TV always helped me get through the unpleasant things in life – vacuuming, dishes, bills, taxes, death. Even writing. I can’t watch TV and write, but TV would be the commercial in between paragraphs,or maybe my paragraphs were the commercials in between TV, not sure about that one.

When people permanently pull the TV plug, some say they see God. At the very least, they imply they’re suddenly part of the intellectual elite. And to that I say Mazel tov. If one can be admired for not doing something, that’s a club I want to join, because there’s ever so many things I don’t do. Not to brag, or anything.

Like ex-drinkers, ex-smokers, non-gluten eaters, and atheists, ex-TV-ers spend an inordinate amount of time thinking and talking about their specific area of inactivity.

If you mention something you saw on one program or another, they’ll interrupt in a state of near hysteria to say they haven’t owned a television for 2 years, 3 months, 14 days, 8 hours and 33 seconds.

Personally, I don’t think watching an old Cary Grant movie or sitting through every tennis grand slam has kept me from finishing a novel, saving the whales, grouting the tub, or polishing my nails. As to what I haven't done, the list is long, but TV can't take the credit.

Sure, maybe I’ve seen Once Upon a Time in the West some great multiples of once, and I've happened to watch It Happened One Night on more than one night. As to how many times, I can’t say. Like all of life’s sensual pleasures, it’s best not to count, else you might fit the definition of some unpleasant word.

Anyway, I’m going to get cable or satellite again. If I’m doomed for the next few months to unthinkingly search the house for my recently departed dog, at least I can find Morley Safer in the living room (or whoever it is still breathing at 60 Minutes).

But even though I plan to turn in my membership card to the sanctimonious non-TV club, I recently realized I’ve belonged to another for quite some time.

When someone mentions in passing the insidious practices and usury rates of the credit card companies, my eyes roll back in my head, I wave my arms like windmills, jump up and down and shout, “I never have a balance on my credit cards!”

I truly believe, with some soul searching, we can each take pride in something we’re not doing and how well we’re not doing it.