On the market

You've written your resume. You poured a lot of effort into the page that will represent you, and you can't wait to distribute it far and wide.

Not so fast. Before you send that puppy out, check it for buzzwords, like "team player," or "detail-oriented." Or "accustomed to fast-paced environments. … Others include: Go-to person, exceptional organizational skills, People-person … Karen Burns, US News

To Whom It May Concern:

I have spent 20+ years in the workforce, and don’t worry, I’m not a team player. I don’t like people; I don’t even like my mother. And I’m not a player. I have no time to play; life is pretty intense right now. Gilligan might get off the island. And then there’s Mad Men. I swear, if it’s not one thing, it’s another.

If I hate playing, I hate details more. “Give or take a thousand whatevers,” that’s my motto, as is: “I’ll take close if you keep the cigar.”

I’m not accustomed to a fast-paced environment. Nothing makes me roll off the couch faster than a fast-paced environment. (Before we go any further, perhaps I should ask about some of your on-site facilities. For example, what is your position on leather vs naugahide?)

I never
•accomplish
achieve
conduct
create
implement
organize
perform

Let me tell you what I do: I show up. Usually. Let’s say, not to get too legal about this: sooner or later. Sooner, if you’re throwing a potluck.

A few other areas where I can set your mind at rest:

I’m not a Go-to person. I’m a Got-a-dental-appointment kind of person
Nor am I a people-person. I’m a llama-person.

As to Self-starter. I tried to start myself once, and it made a lot of racket. Perhaps lubrication was an issue. I was asked to shut down the whole experiment immediately. And I did (See performance appraisal, 1998)

I’m not perfect. I do have:
• Excellent communication skills. Don’t make me blush. I invented “Who me,” “Are you kidding,” and “He did it.”

• Exceptional organizational skills. This is true. The way I organize things is nothing short of exceptional. It’s called a box, and everything goes inside. No, I don’t think inside the box, I can’t get inside the box; there’s too much paper.

Hoping you are in good health and spirits, I am available – well, hours vary, but keep trying –

Karin