We get mail

Dear Sir/Madam,

L am 24 years old girl and single, it may interest you to know that L am a girl of PEACE and L don't want problem, how is your family, hope fine?

[The family’s ok, thanks for asking. Uncle Chester still has the farts. I don’t have to tell you, the man is a slave to his Boston Baked Beans. Oi. Gramma Iris’s varicose veins are now so big we could rope a cow with them (possible income opportunity?), and under separate cover, I’ll share what we’ve learned about Billy’s gingivitis.]

My name is Princess Kabbah daughter of the late Osman Kabbah former director-general of the government of gold and diamond office [GDDO]. Unfortunately, my father was attacked by rebels of the Revolutionary United Front (RUF) in Kono, Eastern Sierra Leone.

[Don’t you hate when that happens?]

He survived the bullet wounds and was hospitalised at the Connaught Hospital in Freetown where he later died of internal bleeding.

[Bummer.]

But before he died he revealed to my late mother and me, he had deposited $10.5m in BANK OF AFRICA(BOA).

[$10.5 m? I always liked Osman Kabbah, ask anyone. He had nice eyes.]

Being the only one left, l have decided to transfer the fund out of Burkina Faso to a trust worthy beneficiary who will assit me to invest the money and see me through my education.

[Let's talk; I've started a Charter school and know spellcheck. We can begin with the word "I." "I" is not spelled L. Oddly enough, "I" is spelled I.]

L need your help to invest this family inheritance into a profitable investment in your country.

[Four words: Grammy Iris, veins, cows.]

l have decided to part away %40 as your commission. I demand an urgent responds. Due to my present condition now in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso which is a terrible ordeal.

[Yeah, well, we’ve all got problems, Princess. Not to keep bringing up Uncle Chester, and Uncle Chester when you stand downwind of the Santa Anas.]

Please confirm your interest, l will send you my pictures!

[Sorry, even Norton Security, a most enlightened and free-spirited service, seems to have problems with those.]

May God bless you,and hope to be your friend.

Yours faithful,